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Post by ShadedDeath Thu Mar 03, 2016 1:42 pm

Name: (Shade)
Alias: (The soul eater)
Age: (18)
Gender: (Male)
Personality: (He is a very shy and introverted dragon due to illthreatment in the past.Though it may take a while once he gets to know you he becomes pretty friendly and shows his true inner self of craziness.On the other hand though he is very serious when it comes to important stuff.
he is also known to be a lone wolf in fights but once given an order he will follow as he is very loyal to his clan.He is also very protective over his friends and clan and allows nobody to harm them.he can speak the language of the ancient beings who gave his dad his powers which he knows fluently due to a special trait passed down form his dad which makes him speak it fluently though it gives no effects it helps in speaking as it gives as a chance of annonimousity to shade so that dragons don't understand him.He also speaks to his persona that he created do to his presistant loneliness and constant changes into his demon form.)
Interests: (flying,having a good time,protecting)
Dislikes: (bullies,evil people,humans)
Fears: (Spiders and being betrayed)

General Appearance
Height: (40feet)
Scales: (black midnight scales with a silver underbody)
Eyes: (gold(right) purple(left))
Appearance: (Shade has pitch black scales that blends into the night sky no matter how dark.His tail is a bit long with scales pointing upwards coming out from it exactly 50cm apart.His tail fins are curved in a cresent moon shaped way.His underbody gives a shine in the night,  but it with the pure darkness that surrounds him it is impossible to make him out.His left eye is gold and right eye is purple,he also has a long black hairstyle which runs over his right eye and  he usually wears a chain with the symbol of two swords on it.

Tribe Information and Status
Tribe: (Nightwing) (due to his mother being firewing he gains fire breathing powers)
Rank: (Tracker) (if too young let me know)
Family: (Mother and Father (killed) )
Mate: (N/A)
Hatchlings: (N/A)

Skills and Abilities
Strengths: (he is a master of stealth and cannot be found due to him being born and trained as a nightwing as well as extra training with his dad who thought him in the ways of stealth)
             
(he is pretty strong for his age and a bit stronger than others his age due to excess combat training from his father we has been know to lift up to 70lbs and also break rocks)
             
(he is a creative planner due to countless hours of interception training from his father when he thought him how to hunt and intercept prey easily.)
             
(he has a different personality when in his rage/demon form this can help in battles as it gives him more aggression.Though this can be a problem as it can lead him open to attacks.)
             
(he can breathe fire due to half firewing)
             
 Special Abilities:

(His eyes can change to red due to his mind filling with rage/pain because of his fathers special power which he has passed down, as such this gives an increase amount of speed and strength. While it is active but sends him into a state of mind that makes him want to kill.

(his eyes change blue and can breathe enchanced blue flames that upon impacting a solid surface for example scales, they cause a temporary burning affect that inflicts burn damage upon his opponent for a set amount of time of exactly 3 minutes after activation he cannot breathe fire for 10 minutes. )
             
(he can distort a dragons eyesight temporarily making it very blurry due to his dads powers to exert a force pressure upon a dragon which gives the effect,of eyesight being blurred for 3 minutes.After activation this ability cannot be used for 10 minutes.)
             
(he can grow dark long spikey sharp projections from his back made of  pure darkness and shadows that can pierce through rocks.It and can wrap around dragons legs and other body parts to subdue though this ability.Though it can be activated whenever he wishes it to be used,overuseage also puts him into a killer state of mind it normally takes about 20 minutes to change into this form when using this power. (if acceptable/not taken/usable if not i will change)
             
(he can use a scythe given by his dad infused with his blood that allows to drain another dragons energy approximatly 10% of it every 5 minutes for 20 minutes and can be stored away easily into the shadows.The power is due to the blades properties being infused with the blood upon being forged he can use this to fight but only uses it as last resort as he must be damaged to an extreme extent to summon it.
             
             
   
                                   
Weaknesses:
(He (as stated before) cannot control his thoughts when using his tendrils thus sending his emotions into a high play thus not calculating what he is supposed to do which could result in him getting killed as all he would only keep on attacking with no defence leaving him open for attacks)

(He can only (as stated before) use his distortion ability for a certain amount of time before recharging for 10 minutes. )

(The tendrils can be destroyed when he loses 70% of his energy it can also be destroyed via pure light energy.)

(as stated before when in his demon/rage form he has a killer mentality. He risks  lashing out at dragons due to the fact that he becomes a totally different person when he is like this as well as going to the level that he has made an entire mental persona for this. This is due to all of the rage and pain stored in him making this persona his killer form.     

Combat Style: (He prefers to either take them from a distance with his long progections of darkness  or use the shadows and silently take them out with his claws or scythe)
Background
History: (Shades life was pretty rough starting out as he was always bullied for being some freak because of his duel eyes, and for the fact he's part firewing from his mom this continued for some time,one day someone tried to hurt him and his mom and dad came to his assistance his dad was badly wounded as he thought it would be only one opponent but no he was ambushed when he was laying on the ground his eyes started to glow red and he started beating them down sadly he couldn't escape as in a final ditch effort the dragons bit into his neck killing him.A few years later when Shade was 8 he was accepted into being a trainee for the tracker of the nightwings his mom was proud of him but everyone said he wouldn't make it one day his mom made him remember the day his dad died she explained that this was a special ability passed down from his generations of dragons, she explained that these came from a group of dragons lost in time due to many years of being forgotten and that hey originated as rouges who lived of the coast of ther main land she also explained that due to being forgotten and their wish to attain their annonimosity they made their own language that was memorized and passed on thus i would instantly know this fluently, after this she gave him his dads scythe and sword. Some days went by and Shade came back to find his mom dead with two dragons clad in pure black he tried to take them on using the little skills he had learnt but was beaten down suddenly his eye glowed red and sprouted black spikey progections and he used his  power and took down  the attackers.Now he is in training  and  wonders the land while trying to master his powers and protect his clan.)
RP Sample: (As Shade stood on the banks of the river he wondered why why was his family destroyed.Just then he heard a crack behind him"Who's there,"he yelled."Oh just your worst nightmare," came a reply.Shade stared wide eyed knowing who this was.)


Last edited by ShadedDeath on Thu Apr 07, 2016 9:50 am; edited 32 times in total
ShadedDeath
ShadedDeath

Male Capricorn Dragon
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Post by Baldirak Sapiens Draco Sat Mar 05, 2016 5:09 pm

You need to add more to your personality, as the minimum is 5 sentences. Also, unless Shade is part SkyWing, he can't be fast enough to outrun any opponent. You can make him part SkyWing so he can be faster than others (except full and other half SkyWings). Or if you want him to be all NightWing, you'll have to get rid of the part about being able to outrun any opponent.
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Post by Baldirak Sapiens Draco Sat Mar 05, 2016 5:20 pm

APPROVED
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Post by Baldirak Sapiens Draco Sat Mar 05, 2016 6:30 pm

Declined. Didn't notice the special ability that allows you to change your breath to different elements. Get rid of this.
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Post by ShadedDeath Sat Mar 05, 2016 6:41 pm

fixed and changed
ShadedDeath
ShadedDeath

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Post by Baldirak Sapiens Draco Sat Mar 05, 2016 7:09 pm

Approved
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Post by ShadedDeath Tue Mar 29, 2016 4:56 pm

changed and fixed
ShadedDeath
ShadedDeath

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Post by Baldirak Sapiens Draco Tue Mar 29, 2016 5:27 pm

What has been changed?
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Post by ShadedDeath Tue Mar 29, 2016 5:41 pm

his powers his weaknesses his alias and the fact he uses a weapon and his age and his history
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Post by Sly Tue Mar 29, 2016 7:47 pm

You cannot just say 'cannot be found' as part of your abilities, you need to expand on why. Its far too vague. You need to make sure your firewing heritage is clear under the 'tribes' category.

A lot of your abilities are vague and are mostly given in just one sentence. There is no detailed description of them, how they work and their limitations. As such, they are all too vague.

Your weaknesses dont counterbalance your strengths and abilities, as its basically saying hes very soon going to have no weaknesses at all. What happens after he masters them? He will basically remove almost all of them. Its like saying he doesnt have any weakness at all.

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Post by ShadedDeath Tue Mar 29, 2016 8:20 pm

fixed what sly said
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Post by Baldirak Sapiens Draco Sun Apr 03, 2016 12:04 pm

For many of your abilities, you stated they last for a set amount of time but did not give an exact time.

You said that he can distort one's vision but then say he gives the illusion that their vision is blurred. So which is it? Can he actually distort their vision or is it an illusion? Again, you need to state exactly how long it lasts.

"he can grow dark long spikey sharp projections from his back made of pure darkness and shadows that can pierce through dragons scales and can be fatal and can wrap around dragons legs and other body parts to subdue though this ability can be activated whenever he wishes it to be used,overuseage also puts him into a killer state of mind" --It is overpowering that these can pierce one's scales and kill them considering he can use them as much as he wants to a certain point and we don't know how easy it is to destroy these, if at all. So you need to state how easily these can be destroyed and how many times he can use this ability before it becomes overused.

The scythe can drain another's energy to a certain level... How much exactly? Can Shade use that energy to replinsh his own or does he simply take it from others to weaken them? And does the scythe serve any other purpose than this, as in, can he actually fight with it? If not, then you don't need the scythe to drain someone's energy.

In your weaknesses, you contradict yourself a little. You state that you cannot control your thoughts when in your rage mode but then say you can.

Finally, what are these ancient beings, where do they come from? It's not a problem, it's just something more suited to be in his history. Also, since Shade is the only Dragon in all of Pyrria able to understand this ancient and I assume non Draconic language, it should be in his personality, not special abilities, since being able to speak it doesn't do anything to help him in a flight.
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Post by ShadedDeath Sun Apr 03, 2016 8:02 pm

bump
ShadedDeath
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Post by Sly Mon Apr 04, 2016 9:52 pm

Skills and Abilities
ShadedDeath wrote:
(he is a master of stealth and cannot be found due to him being born and trained as a nightwing)

Just by being a Nightwing does not make him stand out as the ‘Master of Stealth’ who cannot be found easily. Is there anything else aside from his heritage? Did he undergo any sort of training?

ShadedDeath wrote:
(he is pretty strong for his age and a bit stronger than others his age due to excess combat training from his father)

You are just listing all your strengths in one sentence. Like the rest of you app, they need to be well fleshed out and descriptive so there is nothing vague about this. For this case, how strong is he really? What feats can he accomplish?

ShadedDeath wrote:
(he is a creative planner due to countless hours of mapping and strategy training)

Where did this come from? There was nothing in your history, likes or personality that states that he had any form of navigation or strategic training. Both mapping and strategy training are two different things and, I don’t see navigation as relating to creative planning. Even so, you will still need to describe how good is his planning skills anyways, like the rest of his strengths.

ShadedDeath wrote:
(he has a different personality when in his rage/demon form this can help in battles as he gains more fighting stratigies and intelligence but it also has its faults)

This doesn’t make sense. How does he even gain more fighting strategies? Strategies need to be taught. You cannot just leave this strength at ‘also has faults’. What kind of faults? This is far too vague for me to accept.

ShadedDeath wrote:
(he can breathe fire due to half firewing)

Just regular fire breath I assume?


Special Abilities:

ShadedDeath wrote: (His eyes can change to red due to his mind filling with rage/pain because of his fathers special power which he has passed down, as such this gives an increase amount of speed and strength while it is active but sends him into a very hard to control state of mind in which he wants to kill everyone.

I don’t see how the last line about his state of mind as being a limitation. Why shouldn’t he just spam use this ability whenever he is in a combat setting?

ShadedDeath wrote:
(his eyes change blue and can breathe enchanced blue flames that upon impacting a solid surface for example scales, they cause a temporary burning affect that inflicts burn damage upon his opponent for a set amount of time )

What’s the set amount of time? What limitations does this ability have?

ShadedDeath wrote:
(he can distort a dragons eyesight temporarily making it very blurry due to his dads powers to exert a force pressure upon a dragon which gives the illusion of his/her eyesight being blurred but this can only last for some time as it takes a good amount of energy this normally lasts for about 10 minutes until he drains himself )

So he can distort vision for 10minutes? That is a really long time. Longest duration I am probably going to accept is 3-4minutes as he is basically disabling them for that long of a duration with any retaliation not even that possible. And again, you need to state limitations, or else nothing is preventing him from perma-spamming this ability.

ShadedDeath wrote:
(he can grow dark long spikey sharp projections from his back made of pure darkness and shadows that can pierce through dragons scales and can be fatal and can wrap around dragons legs and other body parts to subdue though this ability can be activated whenever he wishes it to be used,overuseage also puts him into a killer state of mind it normally takes about 20 minutes to change into this form when using this power and i not easy to destroy but not impossible (if acceptable/not taken/usable if not i will change)

This is a VERY long run-on sentence thats hard for me to read and make sense of. Why are you listing all your strengths and abilities with only one sentence?

Aside from that, I’m not going to accept him being able to pierce dragon scales because he is automatically overriding the last resort defence of nearly every dragon. Not only that, it means it takes only 1 clean hit from this ability before his foes are either dead or crippled to the point that they cannot dodge the next, more fatal one, but there is absolutely NOTHING limiting him from spamming this ability at all. He can just snare them in place and summon more tendrils to pierce them to death. And they are hard to destroy as well?

Overpowered.

ShadedDeath wrote:
(he can use a scythe given by his dad infused with his blood that allows to drain another dragons energy to a certain level and can be stored away easily into the shadows as a means of simple transportation and hiding the scythe itself has this power due to the blades properties being infused with the blood upon being forged he can use this to fight but only uses it as last resort )

It's really hard for me to understand what his abilities can do because you are writing them in one huge sentence for some reason. I get that he can drain another dragon’s energy and store them away, but I’m completely lost after that. I’m not going to approve something I don’t understand. Clarify and rewrite this.

‘Last resort’ is not a limitation acceptable for a scythe that can pop out of his shadow and drain his opponent’s energy to be used as his own. Why is it a last resort? Because its infused with his blood? So? Why can’t he just use this at the beginning with no dire consequences?

ShadedDeath wrote:
(as stated before when in his demon/rage form he has a killer mentality though it can be controlled he risks lashing out at dragons due to the fact that he becomes a totally different person when he is like this as well as going to the level that he has made an entire mental persona for this.

So he can already control his mentality anyways? You have basically eliminated the limitations for your tendrils ability. Also, I don’t really see why is this an ability, to be able to change to a different persona. What can this persona do that his normal form can’t?

Weaknesses:

ShadedDeath wrote:
(He (as stated before) cannot control his thoughts very well when using his powers thus sending his emotions into a high play thus not calculating what he is supposed to do which could result in him getting killed as all he would only keep on attacking with no defence leaving him open for attacks) (He can only (as stated before) use his distortion ability for a certain amount of time before recharging overusing it will cause him to lose energy thus causing him to either one faint leaving him open to attacks or two his muscles and all other parts of his body this would be essentially leave him in a paralyzed state for exactly 1 hour thus also being open to enemy attacks )

Please use periods. They are within our punctuations list for a reason.

Anyways, you contradicted yourself and pretty much ignored what Baldi told you to fix. Earlier you said he can control his thoughts when using his powers, but now he can’t? The weakness may be crippling in a sense that he won’t be able to calculate reasonably and just charge in like a berserker, but you are still conflicting yourself. Decide on what you want to keep.

There is nothing regulating his energy usage of his distortion ability, so you can just make him use it 10x without ever making him faint or becoming paralysed. The time limit on his ability is only a limitation, and limitations does NOT mean the same thing as weaknesses.

ShadedDeath wrote:
(as stated before his tendrils can be destroyed very easily if the main region is attacked other than that it would take about 30 hits to one to destroy it)

You contradicted yourself again. Earlier I read it was ‘not easy to destroy’ the tendrils, but now you said it’s easy? Not only that, but you are requiring opponents to attack the base of the tendrils. This is far too specific and, unfortunately, this makes aiming for this weakness very difficult not viable, compared to the insane power of these tendrils. It is still heavily overpowered, even if you corrected this contradiction.

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Post by Baldirak Sapiens Draco Thu Apr 07, 2016 9:52 am

Approved
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