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Alanare the hatchling Empty Alanare the hatchling

Post by Alanare on Sun Feb 28, 2016 12:33 am

Personal Info
Name: Alanare
Alias: N/A
Age: couple days old
Gender: female
Sexuality: Bisexual
Personality: Alanare is a very kind hearted child, who only loves her parents and anyone she trusts. Alanare is also a hatchling who respects what her parents tell to do and will try he best to not ever lie or talk back to them. if she does end up fighting then she is like a "Get information before fighting" type of Dragon like her mother and will usually watch her opponent in action before striking an attack, Alanare also wants to be trained by her parents to fight so she can one day become strong like her parents She also gets a bit scared towards bigger dragons or anyone who wants to hurt her family, if she sees this she will usually run back to her parents until it is solved. Alanare also like to adventure and wants to see what the world is like, so whenever her parents go out she wants to follow, but usually doesn't get too. Alanare is also often made fun of because of her wings on her neck instead of her back and usually gets upset if she is. She is also very curious and when her parents leave without her, she will try to sneak out of the cave to go explore the world even if it does get her in trouble.
Interests:
- Family
- Exploring
- Training
Dislikes:
- being bored
- Being made fun of
- Anyone trying to hurt her family
- bigger dragons
Fears: Alanare has a fear of her family being taken away from her forever, or her family leaving her or her family dying before she does.

General Appearance
Height: 2 feet
Scales: since she is a SW/NW hybrid, she is Black with blue stripes, grey underbelly and grey wings
Eyes: Red
Appearance: Alanare is a bit strange, she has 2 sets of wings on her neck instead of her back. She has Blue spikes down her back, and she has gills so she can breathe underwater like her father

Tribe Information and Status
Tribe: Seawing
Rank: Hatchling
Family: Mother: Kyrin. Father: Marlowe
Mate: she is a hatchling!!!!!!
Hatchlings: do I have to repeat myself

Skills and Abilities
Strengths: Alanare is a fast hatchling who is only able to outrun a rabbit at the moment but as she grows up she will be faster and but she isn't good at fighting just yet, but soon she will be tought by her father. In terms of Mental Strength Alanare cannot be easily manipulated by anyone because she only listens to her parents and anyone she trusts, Alanare is also a quick learner and can learn techniques easily just by looking at them and if her parents tell her to do anything she will try her best to do it. she can also breathe underwater with gills
Special Abilities: Alanare has a healing breath like her father, which can heal light wounds and nothing like broken bones, only bruises, scratches and gashes. Alanare can also create tendrils which she can use to attack things without getting her paws dirty, she can use it to attack like her mother. But the tendrils can be easily broken if more than 3 claw strikes are done to it, and her limit is up 5 tendrils in one area. Alanare also cant use her healing breath forever, the more she uses it, the more it takes from her lungs which means she can start to sufficate while doing this because she loses air when doing this. Plus she can only use it once and has to wait 15 minutes to recharge.
Weaknesses: Alanare can only use her tendrils at night, there is one weakness though that Alanare has that her parents don't have. She has a weakness of ice based attacks which is from the seawing part of her.
Combat Style: N/A

Background
History: (she's a hatchling will be revealed through rp)
RP Sample: (Draken here Very Happy)


Last edited by Alanare on Sun Feb 28, 2016 2:27 pm; edited 9 times in total

Alanare

Female Leo Snake
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Age : 18

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Alanare the hatchling Empty Re: Alanare the hatchling

Post by Sly on Sun Feb 28, 2016 1:15 am

Declined until the changes I have stated have been made.

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Alanare the hatchling Empty Re: Alanare the hatchling

Post by Alanare on Sun Feb 28, 2016 1:19 am

fixed again

Alanare

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Alanare the hatchling Empty Re: Alanare the hatchling

Post by Sly on Sun Feb 28, 2016 2:08 am

*Huffs*

Alright, I don't really know how to tell you this but I cannot accept it, even if you managed to fill out all the criteria for making a character application. I suppose it is descent, but in a sense that's the problem as well. It's too descent, like just made the cut-off.


Alanare wrote:
Personality: Alanare is a very kind hearted child, who respects what her parents tell to do and will try he best to not ever lie or talk back to them. Alanare likes to fight anyone near her size and is like a "Get information before fighting" type of Dragon like her mother when it comes to fighting and wants to be trained by her parents to fight so she can one day become strong like her parents She also gets a bit scared towards bigger dragons or anyone who wants to hurt her family, if she sees this she will usually run back to her parents until it is solved. Alanare also like to adventure and wants to see what the world is like, so whenever her parents go out she wants to follow, but usually doesn't get too.

One of the problems I have been noticing with some character apps is how rushed it is, as well as how 1-dimensional the character really seems. What I mean by this is that, when I read a character's personality, I don't see any motivation or any reasonable explanation on the goals she wants to obtain. Here, all I'm seeing is that she is doing everything for her parents while having nothing else to attain for herself. There was no personal goal, ideals or anything particularly outstanding. To me, this seems just like a generic, ordinary dragon that anyone would pass by on the road without a second look.

You have also described her as "very kindhearted", as well as liking fights and being able to calculate her opponents before striking. I'm not sure if a kindhearted dragon would like to hurt others, which is what fighting involves. Sure, she likes to train with her parents so she can be big and strong, but so does every other dragon and when they have families. They would train their hatchlings to be big and strong. I have stated this in chat before, but your character needs to have some personalities and traits that are specific to herself, makes her unique and therefore stands out from everyone else.

Alanare wrote:
Interests:
- Family
- little fights
- Exploring
Dislikes:
- being bored
- Being made fun of
- Anyone trying to hurt her family
Fears: Alanare has a fear of her family being taken away from her forever.

Same problem as what I have with personalities. The interests, dislikes and fears, taken altogether are very bland and typical. Nothing about them is specific to her, and are all shared between a majority of hatchlings. All of them would have interests in their families, are curious in that they like exploring and fighting, and they don't like boredom, being bullied or any threats. The point of Personal Info is that it is "Personal". There needs to be something different, unique - just anything that makes her stand out and not make her just any ordinary, generic or boring hatchling. Before making this app, I would strongly suggest you stop and think about what makes Alanare unique and original. What makes her likeable and fun to RP?

Tribe Information and Status
Tribe: Seawing
Rank: Hatchling
Family: Mother: Kyrin. Father: Marlowe
Mate: she is a hatchling!!!!!!
Hatchlings: do I have to repeat myself

Alanare wrote:
Strengths: Alanare is a very fast hatchling but isn't good at fighting just yet, but soon she will be tought by her father. in mental Strengths she can control herself and tries her best not to loose control, she can also breathe underwater with gilld

I'm going to have to ask you to elaborate more on Alanare's fighting strength and mentality. You can't just leave it as "very fast", and we have no idea what her fighting strength is like. Same goes got her mentality. "Tries to control herself" tells me next to nothing about how strong she is mentally. Can she. for example, outrun a deer? Strong as a lion? Even if she tries her best, how easy is it to agitate or manipulate her?


Alanare wrote:
Special Abilities: Alanare has a healing breath like her father, which can heal light wounds and nothing like broken bones, only bruises, scratches and gashes. Alanare can also create tendrils which she can use to attack things without getting her paws dirty, she can use it to attack like her mother.

Elaborate more on the tendrils. How tough are they individually? Can they be destroyed? Is there a limit to how many tendrils she can summon? What about the healing breath? Why couldn't she just constantly use it?

Alanare wrote:
Weaknesses: Alanare can only use her tendrils at night and her underbelly is her weak spot like her father.

Tendrils aside, this is NOT a weakness specific to Alanare. Nearly all dragons have their underbellies as their weakness. Again, there needs to be a weakness that's tailored specifically to Alanare and not just all dragons in general.

--

The questions I've provided are just examples of questions that you should really ask yourself when you make another character app. I do hope, however, that you are not just editing Alanare based only on the questions I have asked, as I have already stated that this app just barely made it into the approving stage. The general message is that Alanare needs to possess traits that are completely unique to her, and not shared between every hatchling that came out of any ordinary egg.

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Alanare the hatchling Empty Re: Alanare the hatchling

Post by Alanare on Sun Feb 28, 2016 7:59 am

fixed again

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Alanare

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Alanare the hatchling Empty Re: Alanare the hatchling

Post by Baldirak Sapiens Draco on Sun Feb 28, 2016 9:27 am

Well, there's still a few things you need to fix. Your mental strength is actually a weakness now. And you didn't elaborate on her healing breath; e.g. Why can't she use it constantly. Bump again when ready.
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Alanare the hatchling Empty Re: Alanare the hatchling

Post by Alanare on Sun Feb 28, 2016 9:46 am

fixed

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Age : 18

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Alanare the hatchling Empty Re: Alanare the hatchling

Post by Sly on Sun Feb 28, 2016 2:19 pm

Your strengths need to include a mental strength.

Also, limiting your healing breath to lung capacity is not enough. Why couldn't she just spam and abuse this ability every time she is hurt?

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Alanare the hatchling Empty Re: Alanare the hatchling

Post by Alanare on Sun Feb 28, 2016 2:28 pm

fixed again

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Alanare the hatchling Empty Re: Alanare the hatchling

Post by Sly on Sun Feb 28, 2016 2:37 pm

APPROVED

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